AborNted

This is my story of how I came into the world. Some believe it. Some don't. Either way, it's a badass tale and you know that deep down it must be true.

Before I was born, my mom decided having an abortion sounded like a good way to have fun. I was sitting in the womb when I felt a thin, hard hook wrap around me. It then slipped and became wedged where my umbilical cord and I met. I never saw a light approaching as I was being drug out, but I could see shortly after I had exited the womb. When I fully came to my senses, I was lying on Dorito's bag. My umbilical cord was still attached and there was (what I now know to be) a coat hanger sitting next to me in the trash can I was in. The trashcan only had a few things in it, so escape was impossible.
I knew something was wrong. What these two had done to me was wrong. I could hear them talking, but didn't know what they were saying. Suddenly, everything when black and the trash sack I was in began madly spinning in circles. Apparently, my dead beat dad was too lazy to put a tie wrap on the trash sack, and decided to hold the top and spin it around to seal it off.
I was in a dumpster by the time the bag unraveled. I peeked my head out and saw a big, green wall. It was extremely sticky. So much so, that I was able to climb out. Once at the top of the dumpster, I decided to take a leap of faith. Luckily for me, my umbilical cord broke my fall and my head landed on it instead of the asphalt. I suppose my chance of surviving that fall was about the same as it is for an egg in an egg drop.
The asphalt was hot. Really hot. I didn't know what to do, so I began to run as quickly as I could. I soon realized my umbilical cord was slowing me down. Fortunately for me, I was born with teeth. I hacked away at the umbilical cord. (Because I chewed my cord off, I have no belly button). I started to run again and eventually couldn't take it anymore. I fell down and let out a high-pitch shrill of agony as my flesh began to sizzle on the burning hot street.
That's when I heard a flutter, and saw a beautiful flying beast. She picked me up and flew away. As we were ascending, I saw a cowardly Mastiff come and steal my umbilical cord. A street bum began to curse it for not sharing. I was flown back to a bed of twigs which contained white circles. This beast, Flickabus, became my new mother. She is a Lovebird. The white circles were of coarse, eggs.
I had only lived there a day when a snake made its way up my tree and decided to steal some eggs. He managed to eat all of the eggs except for one while my birdmother was away. This last white circle was my plaything. My toy. I'll be damned if I was about to let worthless, slimy serpent take it from me without a fight. I dove on top of the egg and Flickabus returned and began to destroy the snake. The snake wrapped around her, but I tackled it and savagely tore its eyes from its skull. It of coarse had to let her go. Flickabus carried it off and dropped it from the sky into a nearby grill.
A few weeks later, the egg hatched. I was so mystified by it that I didn't care my play toy (white circle) was broken. I named this bird, Rudy. Rudy and I have become equal companions and someday the world will be ours.

By the way, don't send us letters with low quality anthrax in them. This really pisses Rudy off and shows lack of effort. If you do this, you will be extremely sorry. Rudy is one bird you don't cross.