Captain Planet

Captain Planet
Do you remember Captain Planet? I'll bet you do. I watched it growing up and absolutely loved it. Recently, a buddy of mine had the idea to gather some rings and to a captain planet routine in the middle of a crowded hallway. I thought this idea was genius, and fully supported it. I love amusing others and trying to embarrass myself.
When I was talking about Manly Men (and who qualified as a Manly Man), a girl blurted out "Like Captain Planet!" It occurred to me. Captain Planet sucks. How come I hadn't seen this sooner? Captain Planet is just a Speedo-wearing asshole who is trying to push is Liberal agenda down innocent children's throats. You don't believe me? As my friend Jason mentioned, "He has a very diverse group." He is a superhero who needs the help of his overly diverse friends to bring him to life.

Joe Ekaitis from "From Television City in Hollywood" sums it up nicely.
"Produced by Ted Turner, who flies around the world in private jets and is chauffeured from place to place in limousines with single-digit EPA fuel efficiency figures, "The New Adventures of Captain Planet" carries on the fine tradition of its predecessor, specifically, blaming all of the world's ecological woes on white people living in the Western Hemisphere."

Here are the characters.
Gaia is the spirit of Earth. She, naturally, is not white. She goes around and reports all of the poor people who are just trying to get rid of their toxic waste. She narks on everyone.
Oh I almost forgot. She comes complete with huge breasts. I think it would be funny if her breasts wilted every time the planet was in trouble.

Wheeler.
Wheeler is from North America. He's from Brooklyn to be exact. He's supposed to be street-wise and funny. Many people fail to realize Wheeler is a pyro. He's also a filthy lad lover.

Linka
Linka is from Eastern Europe. The captain planet website describes her as "Hot-tempered and feisty." She has the power of wind and looks like a Bloomin' Barbie Doll. Despite being a blond, she is portrayed as the smartest character.

Kwame
He's an African who is the leader of the Planeteers. He wears a stereotypical safari uniform. Real black people don't wear pink. He enjoys having facesex with Wheeler.

Ma-Ti
I thought Ma-Ti was a girl, but apparently he's a guy who just happens to have a pink heart ring. He is from South America and travels around with a dirty spider "monkey on his shoulder". Everyone pays attention to his emotions. Therefore, he's pretty much the bitch of the group. He's also the youngest, (12) which makes him a great sex candidate for the Lad Lover.

Gi
Gi is a surfing Asian. Her power is water. She loves dolphins and looks like one too. Her skin is white because she frequently engages in the foreign art of bukkake.

Captain Planet
"Captain Planet has a powerful empathic sense and "feels" the suffering of all fellow creatures - even evil ones." You might think this is a joke, but it isn't. Captain planet also does not like to "inflict pain." Booo hoooo! You should also know they claim captain planet doesn't represent a "specific culture." He is a mix of all the planeteers. This makes him a horrible, disgusting example of a melting pot.

Verminous Skum is one of the true heroes. He's a rat who lives only in the vilest of habitats. He wants to cause chaos and would never DREAM of taking a bath. He also has claws.

Duke Nukem is the hero of the show. He's a true manly man. He doesn't whine about saving the earth. He needs nuclear radiation to stay alive. Who can blame him for wanting to turn the world into a wasteland? All he wants is just ONE NUCLEAR WAR. But no, the Speedo clad mega-mouth, Captain Planet, has to ruin his fun by showing his 'daddy bag' to everyone.