Letter I'm sending to the PETA
In case you don't know, the PETA is an animal rights group that goes wayyyy overboard. They get people to dress provocatively to get you to notice the naked truth about animal abuse. They discourage fishing as a family activity because it's horrible and evil and hurts the fish. Many of them blow up buildings such as chicken factories. You can visit their hilarious website at www.peta.org Beware of the videos though, some are very disturbing.
Here's the letter I sent to the PETA. I intend to tell them that it's a prank after I get a reply. I had to keep it toned down because I didn't want to stress one of those pinhead liberal ladies out too much when she received the letter. This is because I myself hate outright animal abuse and I know these people are just doing what they think is right. While I am rational and do understand some animal testing is necessary, I wouldn't want to stress the (PETA) receiver of this message out too much and ruin their day.
Really, I'm a nice guy.
Dear PETA, I recently heard about you and your interest in animals. I assume your company knows a lot about them because a friend of mine said you deal with them a lot. I was hoping you might be able to help me with something.
I recently received a dog from a local rescue society. She's an Irish Wolfhound, a truly beautiful dog. In fact, that's why my wife and I bought her. Her name is Krumpets. She's six months old and is a nuisance. She was knocking over cups and licking our infant, Jessica.
We decided to buy a cage for her. Turns out, she wasn't cage trained. Now all she does is bark ALL DAY LONG. She's in the cage from 7am till 2pm. That's only 7 hours. I would think she could sit in a cage for that long without barking. Heck, from age 5 to 12 years old, my parents kept me in the closet after school every weekday until bedtime, and on the weekends. I never complained and it wasn't that bad. We even gave her a bone but she always eats it and never saves it for later. I'm afraid she might be stupid.
But rest assured, we give her the 4 hours a day of play that the PETA recommends. As soon as I get home, I and my family smother her with love. We throw frisbees outside, pet and walk her for four hours straight.
Leading up to my problem. My wife stays at home with the baby while I go to work. We simply cannot let Krumpets out during the weekdays because when she's out, the baby has to be supervised the entire time. Last time Krumpet was out she licked our sweet baby Jessica. I'm afraid she might have been tasting her. I don't worry when she licks me because I know she's just showing affection. However, she had a curious look in her eyes when she licked Jessica. I'm afraid she might crunch Jessica's head or throw her around the room. I say this because when Krumpets got into Jessica's playroom, she grabbed a doll and tore it to shreds. These violent tendencies scare the hell out of me and my wife. Excuse my French.
Now you see why there is no other option but the keep her up during the day. The problem comes when Krumpets barks. I instructed my wife to lightly spritz Krumpets with a bottle of water, and she does it because she is very good, obedient wife. However, Krumpets has been barking lately even though we've been spritzing her. It's really getting to my wife. I just need to know what measures I need to take to make it shut up. We're considering getting her vocal cords removed, but that costs money. In the meantime, we've stopped spraying her because it doesn't work.
For now, we are just leaving her in the back yard until I get home. I won't do anything until further instructed by ya'll, but here are a few things I'm considering to make her shut up.
1. Hitting it with on the rump with a fly swatter when it barks
2. Saving up and taking it's barking ability away.
3. Putting a recommended amount of tranquilizers in her water to make her sleep during the day.
4. Getting her teeth and claws removed (and feeding her soft foods) so that she can't eat the baby.
5. Shock collar with a remote button.
We love Krumpets very much and will be keeping her in the backyard with ample food and water until you respond with help on how to make her quit barking. I'll take any recommendations you give me.
Thanks,
Travis McBriar
Here's the letter I sent to the PETA. I intend to tell them that it's a prank after I get a reply. I had to keep it toned down because I didn't want to stress one of those pinhead liberal ladies out too much when she received the letter. This is because I myself hate outright animal abuse and I know these people are just doing what they think is right. While I am rational and do understand some animal testing is necessary, I wouldn't want to stress the (PETA) receiver of this message out too much and ruin their day.
Really, I'm a nice guy.
Dear PETA, I recently heard about you and your interest in animals. I assume your company knows a lot about them because a friend of mine said you deal with them a lot. I was hoping you might be able to help me with something.
I recently received a dog from a local rescue society. She's an Irish Wolfhound, a truly beautiful dog. In fact, that's why my wife and I bought her. Her name is Krumpets. She's six months old and is a nuisance. She was knocking over cups and licking our infant, Jessica.
We decided to buy a cage for her. Turns out, she wasn't cage trained. Now all she does is bark ALL DAY LONG. She's in the cage from 7am till 2pm. That's only 7 hours. I would think she could sit in a cage for that long without barking. Heck, from age 5 to 12 years old, my parents kept me in the closet after school every weekday until bedtime, and on the weekends. I never complained and it wasn't that bad. We even gave her a bone but she always eats it and never saves it for later. I'm afraid she might be stupid.
But rest assured, we give her the 4 hours a day of play that the PETA recommends. As soon as I get home, I and my family smother her with love. We throw frisbees outside, pet and walk her for four hours straight.
Leading up to my problem. My wife stays at home with the baby while I go to work. We simply cannot let Krumpets out during the weekdays because when she's out, the baby has to be supervised the entire time. Last time Krumpet was out she licked our sweet baby Jessica. I'm afraid she might have been tasting her. I don't worry when she licks me because I know she's just showing affection. However, she had a curious look in her eyes when she licked Jessica. I'm afraid she might crunch Jessica's head or throw her around the room. I say this because when Krumpets got into Jessica's playroom, she grabbed a doll and tore it to shreds. These violent tendencies scare the hell out of me and my wife. Excuse my French.
Now you see why there is no other option but the keep her up during the day. The problem comes when Krumpets barks. I instructed my wife to lightly spritz Krumpets with a bottle of water, and she does it because she is very good, obedient wife. However, Krumpets has been barking lately even though we've been spritzing her. It's really getting to my wife. I just need to know what measures I need to take to make it shut up. We're considering getting her vocal cords removed, but that costs money. In the meantime, we've stopped spraying her because it doesn't work.
For now, we are just leaving her in the back yard until I get home. I won't do anything until further instructed by ya'll, but here are a few things I'm considering to make her shut up.
1. Hitting it with on the rump with a fly swatter when it barks
2. Saving up and taking it's barking ability away.
3. Putting a recommended amount of tranquilizers in her water to make her sleep during the day.
4. Getting her teeth and claws removed (and feeding her soft foods) so that she can't eat the baby.
5. Shock collar with a remote button.
We love Krumpets very much and will be keeping her in the backyard with ample food and water until you respond with help on how to make her quit barking. I'll take any recommendations you give me.
Thanks,
Travis McBriar
posted by Shat @ 1:43 PM
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