AborNted

This is my story of how I came into the world. Some believe it. Some don't. Either way, it's a badass tale and you know that deep down it must be true.

Before I was born, my mom decided having an abortion sounded like a good way to have fun. I was sitting in the womb when I felt a thin, hard hook wrap around me. It then slipped and became wedged where my umbilical cord and I met. I never saw a light approaching as I was being drug out, but I could see shortly after I had exited the womb. When I fully came to my senses, I was lying on Dorito's bag. My umbilical cord was still attached and there was (what I now know to be) a coat hanger sitting next to me in the trash can I was in. The trashcan only had a few things in it, so escape was impossible.
I knew something was wrong. What these two had done to me was wrong. I could hear them talking, but didn't know what they were saying. Suddenly, everything when black and the trash sack I was in began madly spinning in circles. Apparently, my dead beat dad was too lazy to put a tie wrap on the trash sack, and decided to hold the top and spin it around to seal it off.
I was in a dumpster by the time the bag unraveled. I peeked my head out and saw a big, green wall. It was extremely sticky. So much so, that I was able to climb out. Once at the top of the dumpster, I decided to take a leap of faith. Luckily for me, my umbilical cord broke my fall and my head landed on it instead of the asphalt. I suppose my chance of surviving that fall was about the same as it is for an egg in an egg drop.
The asphalt was hot. Really hot. I didn't know what to do, so I began to run as quickly as I could. I soon realized my umbilical cord was slowing me down. Fortunately for me, I was born with teeth. I hacked away at the umbilical cord. (Because I chewed my cord off, I have no belly button). I started to run again and eventually couldn't take it anymore. I fell down and let out a high-pitch shrill of agony as my flesh began to sizzle on the burning hot street.
That's when I heard a flutter, and saw a beautiful flying beast. She picked me up and flew away. As we were ascending, I saw a cowardly Mastiff come and steal my umbilical cord. A street bum began to curse it for not sharing. I was flown back to a bed of twigs which contained white circles. This beast, Flickabus, became my new mother. She is a Lovebird. The white circles were of coarse, eggs.
I had only lived there a day when a snake made its way up my tree and decided to steal some eggs. He managed to eat all of the eggs except for one while my birdmother was away. This last white circle was my plaything. My toy. I'll be damned if I was about to let worthless, slimy serpent take it from me without a fight. I dove on top of the egg and Flickabus returned and began to destroy the snake. The snake wrapped around her, but I tackled it and savagely tore its eyes from its skull. It of coarse had to let her go. Flickabus carried it off and dropped it from the sky into a nearby grill.
A few weeks later, the egg hatched. I was so mystified by it that I didn't care my play toy (white circle) was broken. I named this bird, Rudy. Rudy and I have become equal companions and someday the world will be ours.

By the way, don't send us letters with low quality anthrax in them. This really pisses Rudy off and shows lack of effort. If you do this, you will be extremely sorry. Rudy is one bird you don't cross.

Democrat or Republican?

Democrat or Republican? The only non-bias review in the world.


I don't like it when I ask people this question and they either say they don't care, or they are in the middle.
How could you not care? People seem to get caught up in games of grab-ass and forget about the big picture. Very serious things are happening in the world and in the government right now. Those who don't care need to step back and realize how important politics is. Politics deals with very important issues (such as sodomy, abortion, child molestation and the Iraqi war). Everyone has an opinion on those things. Express it. As Americans, you live in a nation where your votes count. You should take advantage of that.
If you aren't politically active, someone else will be. The people who are might not share your views, and everyone will have to listen to your sorry ass bitch and moan about it.
Many people say they are in the middle. I don't understand how somebody could be in the middle. Are they afraid to choose a side? While it is understandable that one often leans toward the left AND right on different issues, it's not likely anyone doesn't lean more one way than the other, even if just a little. If you can't decide
where you stand and you aren't politically active, you are of little help to anybody.

A few quick notes.
Democratic = Liberal = Left = Jackass = Blue
Republican = Conservative = Right =Elephant = Red

Now that I've upset everyone, I'm going to begin my non-bias review. I've looked for a review like this forever and decided to just make one. This is the only one on the internet that I know about, that lays it out such a "plain and

simple" manner.
This is a one dimensional analysis, so if you want to know more, you can research it yourself.

Am I a Democrat?
All of the following are general statements.

Generally, Democrats
are more likely (than Republicans) to...

be pro choice. (Not have a problem with abortion)
support communism
be against the war in Iraq
be vegetarian
be in favor of legalizing cannabis
support "cultural defense"
be pro gay marriage
chain themselves to a tree to protest deforestation
like art
support prostitution
support the North American Man/Boy Love Association
be against capital punishment
like more separation of church and state than we currently have
raise taxes
favor 'Robin Hood'
favor a large roll for the Federal Government
be hippies
make guns illegal
More often than not, minorities are Democratic


Am I a Republican? General statements.

Generally, Republicans
are more likely (than Democrats) to...
be anti-abortion
be against Communism
be racist
believe the war in Iraq is necessary
hunt
be against the legalization of cannabis
be against gay marriage
harsher on legal punishment
support torcher on Al Qaeda members if necessary
support capital punishment
lower taxes
Place more Government power at the state level
be Christians
want to individual to be independent and let the government take care of the things an ungoverned society could not do alone.
be against deficit spending (Fiscal responsibility)

This concludes my assessment of Democrats and Republicans.
That being said, I realized something when I made this. How many of you libs noticed I put "be pro gay marriage" as one of the characteristics of liberals. I doubt anyone noticed what I noticed. It's no big deal that I put "pro gay marriage" but it would have been a big deal if I would have put "pro abortion" rather than "pro CHOICE."
If you've ever corrected a Republican for saying "pro abortion," than you are guilty. Somewhere inside you feel bad for being the little whore you really are. There's no need to correct people with your "pro choice" bullshit. When people say pro abortion, they obviously aren't saying they believe we should kill every developing fetus on earth. If we did that, the human race would disappear. That's obvious, so you don't need to correct people anymore.

The reason I brought up the "pro gay marriage" issue (and how libs wouldn't be likely to correct me by saying, "Not pro gay marriage. I just believe you should be able to marry straight OR gay.") is because by not noticing my choice or wording, you've shown you don't feel guilt about gay marriage. Pro abortion, on the other hand, must be called "pro choice."