Letter I'm sending to the PETA

In case you don't know, the PETA is an animal rights group that goes wayyyy overboard. They get people to dress provocatively to get you to notice the naked truth about animal abuse. They discourage fishing as a family activity because it's horrible and evil and hurts the fish. Many of them blow up buildings such as chicken factories. You can visit their hilarious website at www.peta.org Beware of the videos though, some are very disturbing.

Here's the letter I sent to the PETA. I intend to tell them that it's a prank after I get a reply. I had to keep it toned down because I didn't want to stress one of those pinhead liberal ladies out too much when she received the letter. This is because I myself hate outright animal abuse and I know these people are just doing what they think is right. While I am rational and do understand some animal testing is necessary, I wouldn't want to stress the (PETA) receiver of this message out too much and ruin their day.
Really, I'm a nice guy.

Dear PETA, I recently heard about you and your interest in animals. I assume your company knows a lot about them because a friend of mine said you deal with them a lot. I was hoping you might be able to help me with something.

I recently received a dog from a local rescue society. She's an Irish Wolfhound, a truly beautiful dog. In fact, that's why my wife and I bought her. Her name is Krumpets. She's six months old and is a nuisance. She was knocking over cups and licking our infant, Jessica.
We decided to buy a cage for her. Turns out, she wasn't cage trained. Now all she does is bark ALL DAY LONG. She's in the cage from 7am till 2pm. That's only 7 hours. I would think she could sit in a cage for that long without barking. Heck, from age 5 to 12 years old, my parents kept me in the closet after school every weekday until bedtime, and on the weekends. I never complained and it wasn't that bad. We even gave her a bone but she always eats it and never saves it for later. I'm afraid she might be stupid.

But rest assured, we give her the 4 hours a day of play that the PETA recommends. As soon as I get home, I and my family smother her with love. We throw frisbees outside, pet and walk her for four hours straight.

Leading up to my problem. My wife stays at home with the baby while I go to work. We simply cannot let Krumpets out during the weekdays because when she's out, the baby has to be supervised the entire time. Last time Krumpet was out she licked our sweet baby Jessica. I'm afraid she might have been tasting her. I don't worry when she licks me because I know she's just showing affection. However, she had a curious look in her eyes when she licked Jessica. I'm afraid she might crunch Jessica's head or throw her around the room. I say this because when Krumpets got into Jessica's playroom, she grabbed a doll and tore it to shreds. These violent tendencies scare the hell out of me and my wife. Excuse my French.

Now you see why there is no other option but the keep her up during the day. The problem comes when Krumpets barks. I instructed my wife to lightly spritz Krumpets with a bottle of water, and she does it because she is very good, obedient wife. However, Krumpets has been barking lately even though we've been spritzing her. It's really getting to my wife. I just need to know what measures I need to take to make it shut up. We're considering getting her vocal cords removed, but that costs money. In the meantime, we've stopped spraying her because it doesn't work.
For now, we are just leaving her in the back yard until I get home. I won't do anything until further instructed by ya'll, but here are a few things I'm considering to make her shut up.
1. Hitting it with on the rump with a fly swatter when it barks

2. Saving up and taking it's barking ability away.

3. Putting a recommended amount of tranquilizers in her water to make her sleep during the day.

4. Getting her teeth and claws removed (and feeding her soft foods) so that she can't eat the baby.

5. Shock collar with a remote button.

We love Krumpets very much and will be keeping her in the backyard with ample food and water until you respond with help on how to make her quit barking. I'll take any recommendations you give me.

Thanks,
Travis McBriar

Captain Planet

Captain Planet
Do you remember Captain Planet? I'll bet you do. I watched it growing up and absolutely loved it. Recently, a buddy of mine had the idea to gather some rings and to a captain planet routine in the middle of a crowded hallway. I thought this idea was genius, and fully supported it. I love amusing others and trying to embarrass myself.
When I was talking about Manly Men (and who qualified as a Manly Man), a girl blurted out "Like Captain Planet!" It occurred to me. Captain Planet sucks. How come I hadn't seen this sooner? Captain Planet is just a Speedo-wearing asshole who is trying to push is Liberal agenda down innocent children's throats. You don't believe me? As my friend Jason mentioned, "He has a very diverse group." He is a superhero who needs the help of his overly diverse friends to bring him to life.

Joe Ekaitis from "From Television City in Hollywood" sums it up nicely.
"Produced by Ted Turner, who flies around the world in private jets and is chauffeured from place to place in limousines with single-digit EPA fuel efficiency figures, "The New Adventures of Captain Planet" carries on the fine tradition of its predecessor, specifically, blaming all of the world's ecological woes on white people living in the Western Hemisphere."

Here are the characters.
Gaia is the spirit of Earth. She, naturally, is not white. She goes around and reports all of the poor people who are just trying to get rid of their toxic waste. She narks on everyone.
Oh I almost forgot. She comes complete with huge breasts. I think it would be funny if her breasts wilted every time the planet was in trouble.

Wheeler.
Wheeler is from North America. He's from Brooklyn to be exact. He's supposed to be street-wise and funny. Many people fail to realize Wheeler is a pyro. He's also a filthy lad lover.

Linka
Linka is from Eastern Europe. The captain planet website describes her as "Hot-tempered and feisty." She has the power of wind and looks like a Bloomin' Barbie Doll. Despite being a blond, she is portrayed as the smartest character.

Kwame
He's an African who is the leader of the Planeteers. He wears a stereotypical safari uniform. Real black people don't wear pink. He enjoys having facesex with Wheeler.

Ma-Ti
I thought Ma-Ti was a girl, but apparently he's a guy who just happens to have a pink heart ring. He is from South America and travels around with a dirty spider "monkey on his shoulder". Everyone pays attention to his emotions. Therefore, he's pretty much the bitch of the group. He's also the youngest, (12) which makes him a great sex candidate for the Lad Lover.

Gi
Gi is a surfing Asian. Her power is water. She loves dolphins and looks like one too. Her skin is white because she frequently engages in the foreign art of bukkake.

Captain Planet
"Captain Planet has a powerful empathic sense and "feels" the suffering of all fellow creatures - even evil ones." You might think this is a joke, but it isn't. Captain planet also does not like to "inflict pain." Booo hoooo! You should also know they claim captain planet doesn't represent a "specific culture." He is a mix of all the planeteers. This makes him a horrible, disgusting example of a melting pot.

Verminous Skum is one of the true heroes. He's a rat who lives only in the vilest of habitats. He wants to cause chaos and would never DREAM of taking a bath. He also has claws.

Duke Nukem is the hero of the show. He's a true manly man. He doesn't whine about saving the earth. He needs nuclear radiation to stay alive. Who can blame him for wanting to turn the world into a wasteland? All he wants is just ONE NUCLEAR WAR. But no, the Speedo clad mega-mouth, Captain Planet, has to ruin his fun by showing his 'daddy bag' to everyone.